It's Been Too Long

I could come up with a lot of excuses about why it's been so long. First it was a few bad days which we affectionately call "bad China days" here. Then it was my plan to go to Cambodia falling through. Soon after I was way too busy with the extra classes. Then the Internet didn't work. I could tell you that all these reasons prevented me from making a new post. But I think we all know that's not true. At least I know that's not true.

I think what really prevented me from was shame. I wasn't enjoying every moment of China and I felt like I should be. I use the word "felt" because I've since changed my views. With the help of some really awesome friends I've had some realizations these past few weeks.

1. We are young enough to make mistakes and still be able to fix them. I need to stop worrying about the future and focusing on the present. I'm always so focused on what I want to do that I often forget that what I'm doing needs attention too. I vow to change this. I don't want to have to look back at my time in China and think about all the things I could have done. I want to look back on this time and think about all the amazing things I did do.

2. I can't keep disappearing. It's my defense mechanism, when things get to be too much I go into cocoon mode. I distance myself from people and try to power through it on my own. I'm not going to do that anymore, I want this blog to be an accurate depiction of my time here and it won't be that if I censor the times when I question why I came here.

3. You can't immerse yourself in another culture if you still have one foot stuck in your own. I'm talking about Facebook, it is a great way to stay in contact with friends but at the same time I can't give my life to Facebook messenger. I find that when the times get tough I spend way too much time on Facebook. Honestly I'm not sure if I will be able to totally fix this one but blogging about it is the first step.

4. It is ok to not love every second of every day. When I first got to China I was so proud of myself and focused so much on how lucky I am that I made myself feel really bad when I didn't love it. This is ridiculous even positive changes come with some negatives. I'm not going to beat myself up over me having bad days.

I know this post seems really cheesy but it symbolizes a big change in the way I think and the way I am going to let myself think. I realized that my biggest judge has always been myself and I don't want to live like that anymore. My posts don't have to always address some major event. If I want to rant about my broken toilet I will do just that!

So welcome to my new blog, with my new way of thinking!