I'm Going Home

I'm going back to the USA. Not today, or tomorrow, or even the day after. I have about 5 weeks left. I always knew I was going to leave China, I never thought about my move here being even remotely permanent. That being said it seems as though I'm living in a constant battle with myself, am I happy or am I sad? Excited or foreboding? Expectant or dreading? Most the time I don't know. Its strange now that I have a definitive end, I came to China on a one way ticket, so I never had a countdown to when I was going back. Now I do, now whenever I get frustrated I check the app on my phone. Slowly ticking away the seconds in the form of big green bars that are slowly getting smaller and smaller. I have it set to the time I have to leave my apartment (for the last time) to get to the capital airport bus station. Precision.

Recently I was at a brewery in Beijing. It was full of expats and honestly I was overwhelmed by all the English. I could understand every conversation taking place around me and focusing had never been so difficult. I'm used to the "silence" of not understanding the words being spoken around me......

I'm not sure how I "should" feel or even how I expected myself to feel. It just seems crazy that I gave my students their assignment for the final today, and I told them when I'm leaving. Every day it feels a little more real and every day I feel a little more out of sorts.

To make me feel better I drew a picture, I hope you like it.